Dear Cathie Black,

After only several days on the job, I've gotten to see the real you--a person with a quick and ready sense of humor. I mean, who else would've thought to solve the overcrowding problem via birth control? There's some out-of-the-box thinking! And then there's that crack about many "Sophie's choices." How many people would consider likening public school options to those of a mom who had to sacrifice one of her children to the Nazis?

Not only that, but you sent 1.1 million kids to school on a day when every other area school and private school closed. Your boss told everyone to stay off the roads, but you had no problem making 80,000 teachers come in. Boy, what irony. Finally, after everyone figured you could never outdo that last thing, after asking all of them to come in, you canceled your own school visit.

Anyway, after reading all that, I was sure you'd enjoy this. An entire box of stink bombs for only $7.99. You could come to schools, set them off soon after your arrival, and avoid all those nasty questions from those uppity teachers, parents and students. And think of all the hilarity that would ensue! You could accuse the teachers' union of setting off all those stink bombs and get the tabloids to write editorials in your support.

It would be yet another win-win for the visionary leadership of New York City schools.