UFT Unity Caucus Adopts New Slogan, Aims to Rival Starbucks for World Domination

BREAKING--Since UFT President Mike Mulgrew's momentous speech at the AFT convention, UFT-Unity has been reinvigorated and is looking to expand. For fifty years it has dominated the UFT, controlling every office and insisting all members vote in a bloc no matter what.

When an opposition caucus member won VP high schools, they changed the rules so it would never happen again. When another took over the high school exec. board seats, they made a deal with another caucus to give them a few seats to keep the real opposition out.

UFT Unity Caucus controls every vote in NYSUT and AFT, and broaches no opposition whatsoever. At Delegate Assemblies they do whatever they like, prevent the other side from even speaking,  and claim they're following Robert's Rules.

But nothing stays the same, and ever since Mike Mulgrew suggested the way to preserve Common Core was to punch opponents in the face and push them in the dirt, there's been a new spirit at UFT Unity. It turns out when you punch people in the face and push them in the dirt, they offer less resistance than they might otherwise. Thus there's a new movement in UFT-Unity.

Previously, only the elite few who signed up for the Unity Caucus have been able to publicly evince enthusiasm for things that clearly hurt teachers and students. A great example is Common Core, currently failing 65% of New York's children. Yet Mulgrew wants to punch anyone in the face who tries to take it away from him. So why not extend it to things like VAM, mayoral control, two-tier due process, and supporting politicians who hate us and everything we stand for?

That's why all UFT-Unity chapter leaders will now be taking boxing lessons at 52 Broadway. While UFT can't afford to make all members sign loyalty oaths, since there are lavish privileges and trips that come along with the promise to vote how you're told, a single chapter leader can punch out dozens of people in a typical day. Each chapter leader will be issued sky blue UFT boxing gloves so as to cause minimal physical damage during year one of intimidation. There will be a two-year moratorium on high-stakes results, and then the gloves come off, literally.

Pull out of COPE? You get punched in the face and pushed in the dirt.  Vote against Mulgrew? You get punched in the face and pushed in the dirt. Vote for Zephyr Teachout? That's just a punch. If she wins? You get punched in the face and pushed in the dirt.  

UFT Unity leadership states that after the original punch and push campaign with members, they will be expanding it to include non-members as well.

Nice little town you've got here.  Wouldn't want anything to happen to it.