After all this time I can finally take a deep breath. Old Ms. Hazelton, the wretched harridan who always asks me questions at meetings and gets all smug when I don't answer is finally gone! No more, "Oh, can you we come in your classroom and watch you teach that?" No more, "Gee, could you give a demonstration of those techniques for us all to observe." No more, "Why don't you come into my class and demonstrate that for me and my students?"Man I had it up to here with that nonsense. But I lucked out last year. First, she got cancer. Then it metamorphosed or something. Then she needed this procedure, and she needed that procedure, and the coolest things started to happen. Parent called me and asked why she was absent so much! I knew it was a good idea to make her teach the Regents courses this year, even though she hadn't taught them in a decade! And boy did it pay off!
No, Mr. Parent, I have no idea why she's been out for six days.
No, Mr. Grandfather, I'm as shocked as you are that she was absent the week before the exam.
Man I am a genius. I mean, I felt this coming on. It was just the earth communicating with me. I was at one with nature. I feel perfectly serene and at peace with the universe. I feel every vibration, and each vibrations gives me yet another sign. Man, I could really go for one of those Whopperinos at Burger King. What a great idea to put a Whopper in a burrito. That's the kind of thing I would have thought of if I were working there.
So when everyone comes in, I'll be all, "No, I'm sorry. Ms. Hazelton won't be coming back." And they'll be all, "Why? What happened?" And I'll be all, "Well, I can't really discuss it." Another one bites the dust, and another notch in my belt.
They will PISS THEIR PANTS! It will be a thing of wonder and beauty. They just fall, one after another. One has heart palpitations, another has a heart attack right in the hall, one drops dead and now this! What could be better? Yeah, I'm bad. Yeah this could happen to you. I'm like a ninja. I swoop down, you see nothing. Then, just like that, you are HISTORY, BABY!
Who's gonna turn down that voluntary mandatory meeting now, bitches? Oh, you're busy? Oh, you have kids at home? What, you've got the sniffles? Oh, too bad. You remember what happened to Ms. Hazelton, don't you? Yeah what a shame.
Chapter Leader can bitch and moan from now until Doomsday, but legal says once they go out, they never go back in. This is a definite Feather in My Cap. The ground will tremble where I trod, and the lowly teachers will make way for me. This is the pinochle of my success, the wind beneath my wings, the straw that broke the camel's back.
From these lofty heights, I can see everyone below me. I am bound to make principal once they notice how many tenured teachers I sent away. Man I could really go for some Popeye's chicken right about now. Let me just lock up my office, slip out, and drive away. No one realizes how clever I was to turn down my parking spot. They all think it was for the handicapped teacher, so I'm a hero, but actually it was so no one could tell when I was out. It's inconvenient walking three blocks to the car but it's worth it when I leave an hour or two early every day.
Top of the world, baby!
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