This Year's Model

It's inevitable. Another new year, another new reformy trend. You need to give a mini-lesson that must be exactly ten minutes, NOT nine, NOT eleven. Then the children must sit on a rug while you read them a book. Never mind whatever that rug happens to be crawling with.

Also, you must have an aim on the board. It must be phrased as a statement. Also, it must be phrased as a question. You see, students are so dim that they cannot possibly understand what is going on unless you reduce it into eight or nine words.

Now don't get all uppity and start thinking. We don't do that here. Sure, if you have the best aim in the world and your lesson is total crap the aim won't help. And sure, if you fail to write an aim but your students find you totally enthralling, your lesson will be excellent. What I'm looking for here is the opportunity to walk by your classroom, not even set foot inside, and decide whether or not you suck. Aim? Doesn't suck. No aim? Sucks.

Also you need to begin with a DO NOW so that everyone is focused. They must sit down and get right to work. The DO NOW should take no more than five minutes. If it takes longer, not only does it suck, but you also suck. If I wanted to look at things that suck, I would've kept my job at Dunkin Donuts instead of having my mom get me this gig.

Also I've had it with that "reading" stuff. No one wants to sit and read, so let's not even pretend about that. From now on everyone will read no more than two paragraphs at a time, and when they do, they will answer at least five questions about whatever it was you made them read. And none of that fiction stuff, because we don't want them thinking deeply enough to empathize with fictional characters. Who knows what that could lead to? Next thing they'll be asking me questions at the Christmas assembly instead of singing along with whatever trite song I favor that year.

Also, it's of vital importance that we get some of those answers to questions on bulletin boards. And for goodness sake don't forget to put a rubric on the bulletin board, because no one can appreciate a bulletin board that doesn't have a rubric on it. Okay, maybe I exaggerate. I won't look at the frigging rubric, because it bores me to tears, and neither will anyone else, But if you don't put a rubric on the bulletin board, I'll put a letter in your file, bro, and that may lead to further disciplinary measures up to and including termination.

And now let's talk templates. What are templates? They're a combination of plates and temples. Or something. And I want you to follow the templates, because if you don't, you will be OUT OF COMPLIANCE and that means a disciplinary meeting. JESUS, WHY CAN"T YOU TEACHERS GET WITH THE PROGRAM? SHOW SOME FRIGGING INITIATIVE AND FIGURE IT OUT!!! AND I WANT EXIT TICKETS!!! DON'T GET ME STARTED ABOUT EXIT TICKETS!!! ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE ONE WILL BE RATED SUPER DOUBLE SECRET INEFFECIVE!!!

Anyway I hope that clears things up. Portfolios? Yeah I know I said we needed them last year but portfolios are out. Let's get those templates happening. What are they? I don't know, okay? Just look them up on YouTube. That's what you do for everything else, isn't it? And have them on my desk in the morning.

That will be all.