"Clearly the teachers are not doing their jobs," pointed out Mayor Bloomberg. "Why didn't they warn kids about the danger of being homeless? Sure, it may not be part of the curriculum, but it's common sense."
Mayor Bloomberg promised to lobby for any teacher with a significant percentage of homeless students to be labeled "ineffective" under the new rating system. "Schools with a lot of homeless students ought to be closed," commented the mayor. "There are plenty of up-and-coming charters that could use that space, and I guarantee you the students they pick will not be homeless. This is why, here in New York, we offer school choice to absolutely anyone who wins a lottery."
Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott said homelessness was unacceptable, and vowed to "do something to" teachers of homeless students.
Asked for comment, US Education Secretary Arne Duncan said, "This is a step in the right direction. It's about time we made teachers accountable for the plights of their students. If teachers can't correct things like homelessness and poverty, they need to be replaced, hopefully by young, idealistic, non-union TFAs who can be hired cheaply and replaced every few years. Ideally we'd have natural disasters like Katrina to wipe out unionized systems like we did in New Orleans, but meanwhile I'm grateful we have visionary leaders like Michael Bloomberg. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the billionaires who fund DFER for hand-picking me for this gig. Where else but the US would someone with a failed program as miserable as the one I enacted in Chicago be able to advance so rapidly?"
President Barack Obama listened carefully to Secretary Duncan and added, "It's vital to our national interest to have someone to blame for things like homelessness. After all, we've extended Bush tax cuts for billionaires, so we really don't have the money to deal with things like that, or poverty, or job creation. There's no way I could snag that second term if people blamed me for this stuff. Therefore, from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to thank teachers for being convenient scapegoats, and I'd particularly like to thank them and their unions for supporting us no matter what outrageous crap we take part in. Where else could you praise a Rhode Island school for firing all its teachers and still get the support of national teacher unions? God bless teachers, God bless their unions, and God bless the United States of America."
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