There Is No Eye in Union

 If you live on earth, you probably know it's pretty darn crowded here. If you don't believe me, try renting a frigging studio apartment in Manhattan. If you're human, of course, you might want to talk about that first. If you're a dog, though, you may not. 

Dogs are not particularly social. They just bark incoherently, like members of United for Change. Let me just tell you one thing, pal, you ought not to be barking at our Dear Leader Michael Mulgrew, hallowed be His Name.

I saw a lot of signs at the Exec. Board meeting. Some were Good, and I approved. However, some were Bad. As teachers, it behooves us to be Good. Because Good is better than Bad. We should have signs saying stuff like, "All hail, Dear Leader." Because that would be Good.

I always look on the bright side, because everyone knows that we are in the best of all possible worlds, in the best of all possible unions. That's why these bastards who question Dear Leader are so offensive and filthy. But I won't say stuff like that, because they are my union brothers and sisters. So, let’s not bother to doubt them directly. Let's go passive aggressive and bury our actual message somewhere at the bottom. At Executive Board, we got that message loud and clear. One bold speaker announced that the world would be better if  people were nicer, and that says, as far as I am concerned, that we are one. Or we have won. Or if I had some cookies, I'd give you one. Unless you were one of those slimy United for Change dirtwads. 

Great Leader spoke of his struggles with Eva Moskowitz and the Success Academy. We unionists do not approve of charter schools because we don't believe in privatizing education. That means a whole lot of money that should be spent on our schools will be spent enriching private individuals. UFT is firmly against privatization. Except for health care of retirees. In that case, we back privatization 100%!!!

Dear Leader says we will keep fighting over health care. He will fight to make sure that we all have it. Of course that doesn't mean supporting the New York Health Care Act, which would once and for all resolve it not only for our members, but also for everyone in our state. That would blow a hole in our budget, he said.  As usual, he gave no details, but if Dear Leader says it's true, then a majority of Senate and Assembly Members who support this are blithering idiots. Of course, so are any members who support it.

How could anyone doubt our Dear Leader? When the sponsors of NYHA said they were open to negotiating with unions to address their concerns, wasn't he the one who refused to even meet with them? And didn't that prove that it was Bad, and not Good, and therefore not worth discussing?

At our meeting, many people spoke of all the Good things we did. They were all Good. Very Good. Deeply, touchingly, extremely, fantastically Good. We did Many Things and they were All Good. And on the seventh day, Dear Leader vacationed in the Kaymans. And it was Good.

Of course there is room for improvement. The solution, as I see it, is to work harder. I will work to make sure we focus on the things that unite us, like, you know, Union. We're all in it. And therefore, we should all work harder. Dear Leader is always right. We need to keep that perspective for contract negotiations. Let's not worry about things like health premiums. We know our Great Leader will fight against them, even though he said we'd have them if we didn't toss the retirees under the bus. And because the City Council refused to do that, things are a little bit in flux now. But let's flux together. Flux it all, I say!

Let's keep a totally positive attitude no matter what. Let's not question our Dear Leader, who knows what is Good.

The important thing is that we stay together. Because if we aren't together we'll be apart. And what will we be a part of? We're part of a UNION! Therefore, we shall work harder and not disagree with Dear Leader, ever.  Let's stop all disagreement and present a united front. That way, we can dump all the retirees into Advantage and not pay premiums. We all agree that's the best thing. Except the retirees.

Let's not broach any disagreement whatsoever from those nattering nabobs of negativity. Note that I'm specifically neither naming nor acknowledging those dirty, malodorous, scheming bastards over at United for Change who muster the temerity to challenge our Dear Leader. Remember, as union members, you must think things through, and explore your thoughts. And as long as they never disagree with or criticize our Dear Leader, Hallowed be His Name, you may have them.

Let us act as one, and never, ever question or criticize Dear Leader. If Dear Leader says all retirees have to be in a Medicare Advantage plan that's sorely limited and plainly inferior to what they always had before, let's be united and just go along with it. If he imposes premiums or raises co-pays, let's say thank you Dear Leader, may I have another? Let's stop these ridiculous lawsuits and protect our right to lose our hard-won gains.  After all, Dear Leader says we don't deserve them anyway.

At our meeting, Alex Jallot, that dirty bastard, brought a resolution to keep GHI Premium-free.  Of course we all support this. It goes without saying, and that's why he shouldn't say it. A person from the Welfare Fund said this was the sort of thing that would tie our hands. For example, if we were to negotiate a $1500 annual premium, as Dear Leader promised in writing, this might prove problematic.

So we tabled it. We took the paper it was written on and beat it with a table for five minutes. Then we set the table on fire. (And if that son of a bitch brings this up again, we'll frigging set him on fire too.)

I am the union. And so are you, unless you question Dear Leader. Then you are a worthless contrary troublemaker, an enemy of the state, and enemy of the Good.