Anyhoo, I'm a little upset that the guy in the White House, you know who, the one I won't name in my ad, has decided to boycott Bloomberg News just because it isn't delivering any news about Bloomberg. You know, me, Mike, your bestest buddy. How is that fair? I can't have people on the payroll saying bad things about me. That's unacceptable. I expect EVERYONE to pay attention to me, even if my giant news organization pretends I don't exist. AND IF ANY OF YOU LOSERS TRIES TO IMPEACH ME, I WON'T COOPERATE!!! Oh, hold on now, I didn't mean to raise my voice. That's what the other guy does. Okay, I'm sorry. There. Is it all better now?
Now let's look back at what I did for you FRIGGING LOSER TEACHERS!!! Wait a minute. I meant you respected and dignified educators, of course. Now look, I raise my voice now and then but I don't mean anything by it. This is just how very, very rich people express ourselves. Yeah, that's the ticket. Anyway, who was it who took a bold stand against white bread in school cafeterias? That was ME, BITCH! I mean, I did that. Didn't that make your lives better? Don't you enjoy your new svelte waistline, and isn't it all BECAUSE OF ME AND NO ONE EVER SAYS THANK YOU!!! NOOOOO, THAT WOULD BE TOO MUCH TROUBLE!!!
And how about all those new schools I created? Sure, I had to close a lot of old ones, and sure, the public had no say. I know, you'll say I filled them all up with newbies so there'd be little or no union presence, and that I dumped all the difficult students in larger schools so I could close them too. Well that might be true, and sure, you'll say I built up charters to make a separate and unequal system, by giving money to people who could draw millions from private sources. Okay, I did insist we call them public schools even though the only thing public about them was that they take your money.
I SAVED THE SCHOOLS ALL BY MYSELF, AND ALL YOU FRIGGING TEACHERS COULD DO WAS BITCH AND MOAN!!! YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE NRA!!! SCREAMING ABOUT YOUR FRIGGING DUE PROCESS RIGHTS!! I HAD THAT LONG ISLAND SENATOR, THE IRISH GUY, WHAT'S HIS NAME, READY TO DESTROY SENIORITY RIGHTS, BUT NOOOO, YOU SOBS MANAGED TO WEASEL OUT!!!
Wait. What I meant to say was, we had our differences, but we worked them out. Hey, let's let bygones be bygones, okay? It's not asking too much. I'm a nice guy. Who else would give someone like Joel Klein a chance to be chancellor, even though he had no supervisory experience whatsoever? And hey, who else but me had an open mind enough to nominate Cathie Black, even though she knew less about education than a New York Times education reporter?
And hey, how about that Leadership Academy? Who could take regular people and turn them into slogan-spouting martinets with zero tolerance for almost anything? Who taught them the proper way to place letters in your file? Who told them how to place people on 3020a for any or no reason, and who allowed them to make you ATRs rather than take you back, even if you hadn't actually done anything?
Okay, I can see I'm not reaching you here. Hey how about this? Wasn't it me who spoke about rearranging desks? Didn't you all come in one day and notice that every room had desks in a circle? How cool was that? And if you, as a teacher, actually liked doing that, well, there you go. That was ME, you UNGRATEFUL... no, what I mean to say is I did that to help you guys.
Okay, now maybe once or twice I may have kept you waiting until 5 AM to let you know there were snow days, but hey, de Blasio got embarrassed once or twice because the snow didn't pan out and NO ONE EMBARRASSES MIKE BLOOMBERG, DO YOU HEAR THAT??? I MEAN NO ONE!!!!
Okay, now sure I may have spent a snowstorm or two in my private resort in Bermuda, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. If I didn't care I wouldn't be trying so hard to buy your vote. And sure, my no-bid contracts with Alvarez and Marsall left tens of thousands of children standing around freezing with no buses on the coldest day of the year, but look on the bright side. At least they weren't my kids! Hey, that's a joke, I would never in a million years send one of my kids to a public school.
But please, stop giving me such a hard time. You know, I'm a very sensitive guy actually. Otherwise, why would I have placed a room air-conditioner in my SUV? I didn't want to lose one drop of my precious bodily fluids. I keep them in a jar in a special room in my townhouse. So when you read that I want to fire half of New York City's teachers, and create classes of 70, don't get all bent out of shape. I'm a businessman, that's all. It's business, not personal.
Let's get down to brass tacks. How much will it take to buy your vote?
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