Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Bloomberg's Stump Speech

Hiya everyone. It's me, your old pal Mike Bloomberg. You remember me. I used to be mayor of New York. I'm the guy who brought Joel Klein in to run the city schools. You remember him? He's the guy you saw in all those photos with Eva Moskowitz, hanging around, having big fun, and helping me close as many public schools as I could get my big old paws on. That's right, I have big paws, not like that other guy, you know who, whose name I don't mention in my ads. I'm too dignified for that.

You know what else I'm too dignified for? Debating my opponents. I'm not getting on some stage somewhere and defending my record against a bunch of poor people. That's for those second-tier candidates who haven't got unlimited cash on hand. That's the beauty thing. I'm independent. I'm beholden to no one whatsoever. I don't have to compromise to please anyone. The only person I will have to please is myself. In fact, I won't even take the 400K salary. Even if I drop a billion on this thing I still have 51 more, so what the hell do I care?

And hey, you won't have to worry about whether or not I'm a billionaire, like that other guy whose name I won't mention. I'm a real billionaire. Believe me, we're an endangered species. People are always picking on us because we horde all the resources that could be used to, oh, make roads, give health care to Americans, provide a living wage to working people, offer affordable college and all that other crazy left-wing hippie socialist crap my opponents are peddling. You'll get what I see fit, and nothing more. I know what's good for you. Otherwise, why would I have all this money instead of you?

Hey, I care about working people. That's why I did everything I possibly could to end the stranglehold that teacher union has on education. Have you got any idea how much money we spend on that stuff that could be used to erect monuments to my insatiable ego? There could be sports stadiums, buildings and all kinds of stuff that could go up, and I won't put my name on them like that other guy whose name I'm not mentioning.

Do you know that teachers get summers off? What the hell is up with that? Do you call that productivity? For an easy job like that? Hell, I said it once and I'll say it again, let's fire half of them, make classes of 70, and have only the best teachers teach them. Who are the best teachers? Anyone I frigging say they are. Not the ones who bitch and moan about working conditions and oversized classes, that's for sure. They're all out. Anyone who cares about money can't be a teacher either. Money is for people like me and Cathie Black. I'd do her. And by do her, I mean I'd have a relationship with her. Yeah, that's the ticket.

And by the way, that blatantly racist stop and frisk stuff. Well, I'm sorry I did that. I was wrong, You know, I made a little mistake. So let's move on to brass tacks. How much will it cost for me to buy your vote? Money is no object. I can outspend absolutely everyone, buy this nomination fair and square, and then buy myself the election too. That's what democracy is all about. Who cares how many millions of Americans contribute to other candidates? This job is mine. I'm paying for it fair and square.

And don't worry about campaign season either. After eight years, I'll change the term limits law so it only applies to me, and only for the years I run. You know I did that in NYC, despite the voters having twice affirmed term limits. Democracy is what Mike Bloomberg says it is, America. When I was mayor, I was a Republican. This year I'm a Democrat. Whatever works. I have no loyalty to anyone but myself. I'm planning to live to a hundred and twenty. I will buy all the best doctors to make sure of that, America. Catastrophic medical emergency? Not when you have my money.

I'm Mike Bloomberg and I have one question for you. Just what will it take to buy your vote, America?
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