Announcements

There are many reasons why I'll never be principal. I used to think it was simply because I had no principal's license. On the other hand. Chancellor Klein doesn't have on either. As he's gotten pretty far, that's no longer an issue.

Today, though, I realized that making announcements would be impossible for me. I couldn't do it.

Here are a few announcements I would have made today:

Good morning.

Thank you, Ms. Grundy, for your recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. First, I'd like to prohibit the use of "Oy" for the personal pronoun "I." Now I don't know anyone in this building who does that, but there's a radio personality I know of who does it constantly. Frankly, it really, really irritates me, so let's dispense with that immediately.

Our next issue is the use of the phrase, "I am agree," from both native and non-native speakers of English. This phrase is also strictly prohibited, and anyone using it will be required to paint the flagpole top to bottom without the use of a ladder.

Finally, this morning I had the distinct displeasure of reading an essay about The Preal by "Stein Johnbeck." It was largely based on a 2001 film that tacked on a happy ending to a classic American novel. This film is now banned in our building, and any teacher who shows it will get a letter in the file, as well as endless unreasonable harassment from yours truly, along with anyone else I can persuade or intimidate into dispensing it.

Also, as everyone knows, Mr. Morris is a card-carrying NEA member with many T-shirts to match. At my personal request, he has agreed to shoot the director of this awful film if he ever encounters him on or near our campus. Mr. Morris will get first crack at all no-show per-session positions for the rest of the year.